Do They Have to Be That Way?

In my last article I said that in a good marriage the partners use the right tools. In this article we’ll look at an essential one. Perhaps a good place to begin is with the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi. It’s a prayer for understanding.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace…..,
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love…

Tears flowed freely as they poured out their hearts to us. Their courtship had been an uninterrupted season of love and romance. Long walks under the nighttime stars, slow dances in their favorite restaurant, chocolates and flowers, sweet kisses in the park, a proposal including a limousine ride, a white laced table with silverware, wine and roses on the banks of the river were little more than memories for the heartbroken wife.

“Why did my husband stop doing all those nice things? The day we came back from our honeymoon he seemed to forget I existed except to cook his food, wash his clothes and have sex. Why doesn’t he love me anymore?” If we could have a dollar for every time we’ve heard this question we could enjoy a lovely winter vacation.

Perhaps you’ve heard the oft repeated line, “just wait till the honeymoon is over, all the fun things will stop.” Unfortunately this is an all too frequent complaint from many couples.

Why does this happen? Adam is not using the right tools.

First, by God’s design Adam is goal oriented. He sets his sites on a project and works to achieve it whether it’s catching the biggest fish, finishing the basement, or convincing Eve to marry him. He can employ whatever techniques he needs to achieve his goal. Therefore, he wines and dines Eve during their courtship.

She can hardly believe her good fortune. Finally someone treats her like the princess she dreamed she would be. Of course she wants to marry him. The wedding date is set, plans are put into action. She will be his princess and he will be her prince. Or so she imagines.

Six months later they are going for counseling. “Why doesn’t he love me anymore? Why did he stop doing all those nice things? He must think I’m ugly, or too fat or stupid. I think he’s embarrassed with me!”

Poor Adam. He’s bewildered by all this. He did everything he thought a romantic would do to get Eve to marry him. Now that they’re married she’s not happy. He loves her but he’s becoming more frustrated by the day because she wants so much time and attention.

So what’s the problem?

Adam’s goal was to get married. Now they’re married so why should he have to carry on with all the dating activities. After all, he reasons, why keep on playing when the game has been won.

Is there a solution to this situation? Yes, new tools.

When Adam understands that the goal is to meet Eve’s relational needs all of her life, not just during courtship, he can make sudden changes in his behavior. Because of his goal orientation he can begin new behavior patterns almost immediately. That does not mean doing all the things he did before. Activities will change to reflect new stages in life which are age, finance, or health appropriate. But the underlying focus must always remain – winning Eve’s heart on a day to day basis.

Eve can help by letting him know what she wants. Ordinarily, Adam wants to please Eve so she can help her own cause by letting him know what she needs or wants. That way he knows he is achieving his goal of having a happy wife and will try to do more of the same. With both working at it, it becomes a win-win situation.

Next time: Understanding the Male Species. What Really is His Goal?

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263