God Loves Sex!

“God saw all that He had made, and it was very good. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Gen 1:31; 2:25

Not happy with your sex life? You're not alone. As a counselor/pastor for many years I'm seeing a growing trend of dissatisfied women when it comes to sex in marriage. More and more women it seems are not having their sexual needs by their husbands. As a result they feel unattractive, unloved, discouraged and confused. After all, the man is supposed to be the one with the stronger sexual appetite and ready to go in an instant. So the reasoning goes, if he's not interested in me sexually something must be wrong with me.

What do you do when your husband it not interested in having sex with you?

Complaining and nagging is not one of those things. The solution is generally found in two areas.

The first thing is to pray for his heart. God made him a sexual being and being sexual with you is a normal, natural and beautiful desire God has created in his heart. It was a part of his life when you were dating. It's one of the key things that drew him to you. It is designed to be the glue that binds a couple together. When that is not happening something is wrong in his heart. That's assuming there are not medical conditions that make intercourse difficult or impossible.

Jesus taught us that all behavior, good and bad comes from within the heart. Matt 15:17-20; Luke 6:43-45. A good sexual relationship for the Christian couple begins in the heart. Pray for healing in his heart and for a desire for him to make love to you. Also ask for healing for your own heart since it has been wounded through repeated rejections.

One of the things that surprised us in counseling these women was how many of them believed they shouldn't pray about sex. Sex for the Christian, they believed was not all that important.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The Bible is filled with teachings about sex. Clearly God loves sex and designed us to enjoy it often. Paul tells couples to have sex regularly. “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Cor 7:5

“I wish my husband would read that and live up to it.”

Since he doesn't, pray for his heart. You'll be surprised how God loves to answer that kind of prayer.

Second, educate yourself about your own sexuality and femininity. We live in a super sexually titillated society yet at the same time a very ignorant one when it comes to knowing how our bodies were designed to function for maximum pleasure in the bedroom.

In our premarital preparation counseling we require the couples to separately read Dr. Ed Wheat's book, Intended for Pleasure; Sexual problems and sexual techniques in marriage. We will always ask the couple if they have learned anything from the book. Almost without exception they respond with an enthusiastic, “yes, I learned a lot about our bodies which I did not know before” or words to that effect.

The point is though we are inundated with sexually explicit material all over the place, most of it is offensive and just plain wrong when it comes to enjoying the gift God has given to us. Consequently, there are not a lot of resources I'll recommend in this specific area.

There is one though that I do recommend. It's entitled “Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife,experience the sexual fulfillment that God intends for you.” The book is written by a woman for Christian women. There is also a companion volume for men titled “Sexual Skills for the Christian Husband, what every Christian husband should know about sex.”

So if you are feeling unfulfilled in your sex life, be assured you are not alone. But it does not have to stay that way.

Remember these 2 things. First, You cannot change you husband but you can get the One who made him to work in his heart on your behalf as you pray for him. Ask God to place a desire for sex in his heart. Pray also for the healing in your own heart as you wait for things to change.

Second, educate yourself about the wonder of your own sexuality and femininity. It will boost your self confidence which may be the spark that your relationship needs.

Level 5 - Honest and Open Communication

If you just arrived at this posting without the benefit of reading levels 1-4 I suggest you read them first to get the maximum benefit from this article.

Here we arrive at the summit of communication. I liken it to our experience at the temple ruins in Chichen Izza, Mexico. The flight to the top of the temple was long, challenging and dangerous at times but the view from the top was exhilarating! It was worth every ounce ofeffort we exerted to get there.

At this level of communication we can be honest without being condemning or demanding. We have the freedom to think differently and be able to share those differences without fear of being corrected, criticized or condemned.

It sounds like a wonderful place to be and I assure you it is. It's not easy but neither is it impossible. It requires a basic attitude of acceptance. When I accept my wife's opinions,thoughts and feelings without trying to change her or the way she sees things I communicate that I accept her just the way she is. It makes it much easier for her to be completely open and honest with me.

This is not always easy. At times I wonder if it's worth the effort. For example, when she tells me that she feels my attitude towards one of my siblings came across as mean or condescending, or that she thinks I don't like my family I want to defend myself and challenge her thoughts and feelings. I have done this in the past and still slip into the old behavior pattern from time to time. However, every time I do that I invalidate her and destroy the bridge across which I need to cross for intimacy to flourish.

If on the other hand I ask her without defensiveness what I did or said that caused her to think and feel the way she did she is affirmed and feels safe to be honest with me and tell me what she observed. I can then explain why I said or did what I did.

Perhaps she misunderstood or she didn't have all the facts which led her to a faulty conclusion. She can then ask more clarifying questions. If she discovers that her conclusion was faulty she can apologize knowing that I will not hold it against her.

On the other hand if her assessment of the situation is correct then I can thank her for caring enough about me to expose my destructive behavior. Then I can call my sibling and apologize for behaving inappropriately.

In this process we have freely discussed the matter, we have respected each others opinions without defensiveness, we have further strengthened our love and respect for each other thereby building deeper intimacy and I have repaired a bruised relationship with my sibling. It has become a win-win-win situation.

The journey to this level is not always easy but the benefits far outweigh any effort expended to make it happen. Here is where souls meet! Where lovers become soul mates, and intimacy reigns supreme!

http://www.focusedonmarriage.com/

Level 4 - Emotional Communciation

This a riskier level but the payoff is huge. We can be hurt easier at this level but we also have the potential for a much deeper level of intimacy.

Here I begin to say how I feel about things. The risk is that my feelings may be rejected. If I say to my wife that I feel depressed she may say “How could you possibly feel that way. Look at the house we live in, the car we drive, the way I serve you everyday by cooking your meals,doing your laundry, meeting your sexual needs. How could you possibly be depressed?”

My feelings have been invalidated and I feel rejected. Chances are I will not share my feelings again. The opportunity for building intimacy through good communication is lost.

On the other hand if she were to say things like, “I'm sorry you feel that way. Can we talk about it?” validates my feelings. There may be no objective basis for my feeling depressed but that is not the issue. The issue is that's the way I feel at the moment and her response makes it easier to talk to her about it. She seized the opportunity to build intimacy.

Here are some feeling words you may have felt or feel right now..

“I feel hurt, sad, disappointed, romantic, happy, fearful, angry, bored, unloved,lonely, loving, betrayed, discouraged, affectionate, encouraged, burned - out,disillusioned, awkward, ecstatic, peaceful, babied, cheated on, confused, bad, beautiful,dejected, bitchy, drained, dumb, manipulated, pressured, lied to, guilt-tripped, smothered,violated, unsafe, optimistic, classy, cheerful."

These terms reveal our emotions and expose how we feel about things. One woman complained to us that her husband had no feelings. “He never lets me know how he feels about anything. I would give or do almost anything to see him get mad or excited about something.”

There may be good reasons for his reluctance to share his feelings. If he heard words like, “you shouldn't feel that way” or “how could you feel that way after all I do for you everyday,” or “I thought you had forgiven that a long time ago. How can you still feel that way?” he will resort back to level one or two communication. He perceives it to be safer there.

There are some complicating factors at this level. It is not uncommon for husband and wife to feel very differently about the same thing. For instance, I may have enjoyed the concert but my wife felt it was boring. If I allow her to tell me why she didn't like it without chastising her for not appreciating the evening after I spent money for the tickets, or if she asks me what I enjoyed about it we can come to a better understanding of each other and build a deeper level of intimacy.

http://www.focusedonmarriage.com/

Level 3 - Intelletual Communication

At this level we are beginning to talk about our opinions or interpretations about the facts we heard.

Things like, 'I think Jimmy's teacher is doing a great job” or, “I think our pastor connects very well with the children: or, “I think we should delay our vacation until we know mother is well on the way to recovery,” are going beyond the facts.

In response my wife might reply, “I think she is in good care. The doctors told us she is doing reasonably well and that it would it would be OK for us to go away for a few weeks. We've been so tied down for a while that I think its time for us to take care of ourselves.”

I might reply, “I think it's a good idea for us to get away but I think we need to keep our cell phone close at hand in case we need to be reached.”

To which she might reply, “I think we should leave the cell phone in our hotel room rather than take it with us. I think I will feel uptight knowing the phone could ring any moment. If we have to be reached they can leave a message on the answering machine or they can contact the front desk. They will notify us of a call when we come in. I think we would enjoy our vacation more that way.”

Then I might reply, “I think I know what you mean. I think I can live with that. I think my family will understand. If they need to reach us they can leave a message and we will get back to them as soon as possible.”

At this level we are both sharing our thoughts with each other. However, its risky at this stage. It is easy for either partner to misunderstand the other persons motives or intentions and question and challenge them.

Individuals who think they have to be in control may try to force the other person to think the way they do. For instance, I might have accused my wife of being uncaring by not wanting to take the cell phone with us when out for the day. That would have caused her to be hurt and she would resist sharing other thoughts with me. She would have retreated to the safety of level one or two communication.

On the other hand she might have accused me of thinking my mother was more important than she was. I would have felt attacked, stopped talking about the matter and decided not to tell her what I think anymore.

Our thoughts are important to us and we want others to accept them for what they are – just thoughts. If one spouse attacks the other's thoughts, inimizes them or ignores them the other feels rejected and may decide to keep all further thoughts to him/herself and revert back to level two communication.

Intellectual communication necessitates each partner giving the other the freedom to think differently. It's quite OK to disagree. It is perfectly alright for me to have one thought about taking the cell phone with me and my wife have a different view on the matter. These differences need not impede intimacy.

However, if one or the other demands agreement on thoughts and opinions intimacy will be replaced with arguing, fighting, silence and replaced with the loneliness of level one and two communication.

http://www.focusedonmarriage.com/

Level Two: Factual Communication

At this level of communication you communicate only the facts. You tell each other what has happened or what you've done but you don't share any opinions or feeling surrounding the facts.

For example, when my wife tells me that she has a doctors appointment at 3 in the afternoon, or that our son and daughter in law are coming for supper, or that our daughter and her husband and their daughter are coming to spend the night, she is reporting facts. She has not told me whether she is anxious or concerned about her appointment or whether she is looking forward to the children coming home.

If I respond by telling her I have a tee off at 8 the next morning and then get up to go wash car we have simply exchanged information.

At this level of communication we simply share facts without revealing anything about ourselves. Our opinions or emotional reactions remain hidden.

We were counseling a couple who were trying to rebuild a hurting marriage relationship. She complained that they didn't communicate. He said, “we talk all the time.” She replied, “but we never say anything, we don't connect. I feel so lonely in this marriage.”

They were stuck in level one and two.

There can be a vast amount of information shared at this level: what time the concert begins, how much will it cost to repair the lawn mower, when does Jimmy's baptism class begin, where will we meet for lunch, when is Susan coming back from her missions trip. This is important information that needs sharing.

I have on occasion wound up at the wrong restaurant for a meeting because I hadn't received or communicated the facts properly. We've also arrived late to sing at a wedding reception because we didn't get our facts straight about the starting time.

This is a very important level of communication. Success in any field depends on this level. However, this level does not produce closeness in a marriage relationship. Unfortunately many couples spend their entire lives here. They think they are communicating but in reality there is little if any emotional, spiritual, intellectual or physical oneness at this level.

I will never forget this one particular couple who came to see us for help. They'd been married to each other for over 50 years. “Can you help us communicate,” they asked. “We've never been able to communicate since the first day of our marriage. Now we are great grand parents and unless you can teach us how to communicate with each other we will separate.” She cried as she talked about how lonely she felt.

They communicated for over 50 years almost exclusively at level two.

What level are you at in your communication – level one or two? If these are your predominant levels be encouraged. At least you are communicating. However, there can be much more at the next level.

Stay with me as we explore the next level in my next post.

Casual Communication

If you want to improve the level of your communication you've got to know where you are so you can figuure out how to get to where you want to be.

I like the story of the weary traveler who stops at the home of an old farmer to ask for directions to the town of New Hope. The old man scratched his head, shuffled his feet, and with a shrug of his tired old shoulders replied, “Sir, I've never been to New Hope in all my life and as far as I know you can't get there from here.”

Like the old man you've got to know where you are to get to where you want to be. And you want to get to the place of New Hope and Better Communication.

The first step will be to see where you are in your communication.

There are five basic levels of communication. Good communication between spouses involves all five levels but the ultimate goal is get to level five. Let's see what level you are at.

Level 1 – Casual Communication

Level 2- Factual Communication

Level 3 – Intellectual Communication

Level 4 – Emotional Communication

Level 5 – Honest and Open Communication

This is communication like “how are you, fine, have a good day.” It's surface talk, safe and polite conversations we expect from others and which we give to them. We hardly think about what we are saying on this level. We're simply acknowledging the other persons presence.

That's a positive step in communication. Some couples we counsel aren't even at this level. They are devoid of common courtesies like “good morning, have a nice day, see you later.”

At our house we have an unwritten level one communication. We greet each other with a “good morning dear, did you sleep will last night” every morning. Then at night as we roll over to go to sleep we say, “see you in morning dear, love you.”

That's level one communication. It simply acknowledges the other person but it does not go as deep as we'd like. It's the type of communication we use in public places. At the time of this writing my mother is in the hospital recovering from heart by pass surgery. She was expected to be in the intensive care unit for a night and a day. She's been there for over 8 weeks and there is still no end in sight. I love my mother and pray that she will make a full recovery.

However, when someone asks me in a public place how I'm doing I say “fine, thank you.” I don't tell them that I am concerned about my mother's health or that my dad is tiring out from making the one hour trip to and from the hospital everyday or that I feel guilty at times for not being there for them as often as I would like. I don't feel free to share those things at this level of communication nor is anyone else expecting more.

Unfortunately some people rarely get beyond this level of communication. They're like two lonely ships passing in the dark, each one going towards their own destination without noticing each other.

Next: Level Two Factual Communication

I found a chapter in Gary Chapman's book Covenant Marriage helpful for communication levels

Boundaries That Work

Boundaries That Work

In my previous article I said that boundaries are essentially about self control. They set limits for the way you respond to someone else’s behaviour. They are an expression of love. They communicate respect. They help create an environment where both partners can focus on the issue and how they will respond to it rather than on each other. Then love can grow.

In this article I want to give some examples of boundaries.

Language or words define what you will or won’t do. “No, I don’t want to do that, yes I want to do that, I will, I won’t, I do/don’t like that” are words which establish boundaries. They let your partner know what you are willing to do or not to do. Notice that in each one of these boundaries the focus is on you and your actions. You can not establish boundaries for what someone can or cannot do.

Truth is another boundary. God has established laws and principles for us to live by. They were given to provide security and stability in our relationships. For example, “do not commit adultery” is a law that was given to avoid heartache and pain. If I choose to ignore this law I will suffer the consequences but the law will still be there. It cannot be broken; I am the one that gets broken when I run against it. Once again the focus is on what you will or won’t do with the truth. You can only set a boundary for yourself.

Other examples of truth as boundaries include, do not lie, do not steal, do forgive, do exercise compassion, do love and respect each other. Living within these boundaries creates security in one’s relationships.

Establishing consequences for unacceptable behaviour is another type of boundary. Actions speak loudly when the whisper of words goes unheeded. This is one of the more difficult boundaries to establish but a very important one. For example if a spouse uses abusive or insulting language you can choose to leave the room or the house if necessary. You cannot stop the abuse but you don’t have to stay in the abusers presence. Or if a spouse drinks to much you choose not to call his boss to bail him out. You establish a boundary that causes him or her to experience the consequences of their behaviour. If lease payments are not made and you allow the vehicle to be repossessed you reinforce that irresponsible behaviour will have unpleasant consequences. This can be a great motivator for change.

Sometimes a more drastic boundary needs to be established. When a spouse or a child is in physical danger you may need to leave for awhile. A time of separation may be necessary to allow time to heal and to address systemic issues. It is very important that when a boundary about leaving is established you live up to under any and all circumstances. For example, when you say you will leave if your spouse hits you again or brings drugs into the house you must leave if that happens. Failure to leaves robs both partners of the benefits that can come from feeling the consequences of his or her actions. In addition, failure to act when a stated boundary has been crossed gives permission for the abuse to continue. It says that there are no consequences for the abuse. This form of enablement is a virtual guarantee that the marriage will end in disaster.

In each of these boundaries you establish limits for your own actions. You are choosing to not be a victim or be at the mercy of someone else. This has the potential for defusing an immediate situation and change the entire relationship itself.

An excellent resource for learning more about boundaries in marriage is the book Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263.

Boundaries Help Love Flourish

“Why do I always get so mad at him? When he doesn’t do what I think he should do I get so upset. Sometimes I yell at him, other times I give him a cold shoulder. I don’t like what I’m doing but I don’t know how to stop. Can you help me?”

"What’s your motivation for this behaviour,” we asked.

“I want him to change.”

“Is it working?”

“NO.”

“Then why carry on with it?”

“Because he bugs me. I want him to know he makes me mad. I want him to change.”

“Do you love him?”

“Yes, but I want him to change.”

“So what you really want is to control or punish him. You choose to behave in an inappropriate way so he will change. Trying to control another person never works. Love does not try to control anyone else. We can only control ourselves. When we choose to control our behaviour we begin to create an environment where change can happen. Right now your husband is focused on responding to your behaviour and that keeps him from seeing his role in the conflict.”

Every couple has moments of misunderstanding and hurt feelings. The issue at that point is not what was done to us but rather how we respond to what happened. The way to respond appropriately is to establish boundaries for behaviour. Boundaries are set to control our own behaviour, not that of our spouse. If I say to my wife, “I’m setting a boundary for you, you can’t yell at me anymore, she will say, ‘Really? Watch me.”

The only boundary I can set is for me. A boundary is simply a property line. It marks the beginning and the end of something. I know how far I can go in landscaping my yard because there is boundary between mine and my neighbor’s property. I am responsible for what I do on my property. I can’t blame him for the weeds on my yard. No matter what he does or doesn’t do on his yard I am responsible for mine.

In a similar way I can establish boundaries for my own behaviour. I can choose never to cross the boundary into yelling, hitting, name calling, or any other inappropriate behaviour. Boundaries are essentially about self control. They are an expression of love. They communicate respect. They help create an environment where both partners can focus on the issue and how they will respond to it rather than on each other and then love can grow.

If I believe that my spouse is responsible for my behaviour I am at his or her mercy. I have made myself a victim or slave. The moment I assume personal responsibility for my behaviour I am free, I am no longer a slave to his or her problems and better yet, I have created an environment which can change the marriage relationship itself.

Here are some suggestions to begin setting boundaries.

Identify the problem behaviour. For example, yelling, hitting, silent treatment, swearing, name calling.

Determine never to cross the boundary into the problem behaviour.

If you find you have crossed over here is what you do. Stop in mid sentence; say out loud, “Stop! I am not going there again.” Then start the conversation again. You will have reinforced your commitment to assuming responsibility for a loving, respectful response. You are now in control. You will be empowered.

Next time: Examples of boundaries

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263

What Language Does My Spouse Speak #5

“I’m so frustrated with my husband. I want him to sit on the couch with me but he flops into his chair, watches a bit of television and falls asleep. How do I get him to spend with me without the TV or computer? He’s a good provider, he never mistreats me but I feel so lonely. Is there something wrong with me?”

No, there was nothing wrong with her. She wanted to spend quality time with her husband. Her love tank was running on empty because he was not spending quality alone time with her. Quality time means looking at each other while talking. It means turning off the television, putting down the newspaper and giving undivided attention. Remember when you dated you could talk about anything for hours? You may not have known it but you were giving quality time to each other. If that is your primary love language then those times were very special to you.

I love to watch people in restaurants. It’s fairly easy to pick out the ones who are dating from those who have been married for awhile. To the dating couple the food hardly matters, to the married couple it’s all that matters. If your spouse’s love language is quality time then eye to eye conversation over a meal or dessert is a powerful expression of love.

A key component of quality time is togetherness. It’s possible to be together in one room but not be together emotionally. Talking on the phone, watching the news or reading a paper in the same room is not togetherness. That is a roommate relationship. Quality time means giving full attention to your spouse. We play lot of table games at our house. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don’t but that's not the point. The point is togetherness. We talk about our hopes and dreams, our children and grandchildren, our plans for our future, and the game becomes the vehicle through which we give quality time to each other.

There are other ways this goal of togetherness can be achieved. Going for walks together, going for rides without the stereo turned on or enjoying a picnic in the park, planting a garden, visit garage sales, wash the car together, listen to music are just a few ways you can share quality time with each other. It’s not what you do that matters, it the reason for doing what you’re doing that matters. And if the reason is quality togetherness then every such activity strengthens your marriage. It also builds a memory back of activities from which to draw at a later date. “Remember when….” can be the opening line for a shared trip down memory lane.

Spending quality time together provides the opportunity to get to know one another at a much deeper level. It’s the time to talk and listen, a time for self revelation and loving acceptance, time to empathize and sympathize; time to learn to bear one another’s burdens in the safety of loving relationship. It takes an investiture of time but the dividends are truly wonderful. And I assure you, it’s much easier spending quality time with each other now than it is trying to restore a broken relationship in a counselor’s office.

If you are married to a person with quality time as a primary love language here are some suggestions you might try.

1. Drive or walk through your spouse’s childhood neighborhood. Ask questions about childhood experiences, dreams, achievements.

2. Share a lunch with your spouse in a park. Be sure to turn off your cell phone or pager and focus on talking with each other.

3. Think of an activity your spouse likes but you don’t enjoy like the symphony or football game. Tell your spouse you want to join him in one of these activities, set a date and be sure to attend.

For these and more ideas on spending quality time together see The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263