What Really is His Goal?

“I can’t figure out my husband. What does he really want, besides food and sex?”

She wasn’t joking. She desperately wanted to know because their marriage was in trouble. She felt cheated by his lack of attention, he felt harassed by her constant nagging.

So the question remains, what does a man really want? Dr. Larry Crabb in his book The Marriage Builder says that a man has a deep need for significance. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs writes in Love and Respect that a man’s greatest need is respect. I highly recommend you read these books to add to your growing compliment of marriage building tools.

I heartily agree with both these authors but I think at a more fundamental level every man’s goal is for “mamma to be happy cause if mamma ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy!”

So why is it so difficult for him to achieve his goal? A common reason is that Adam has a tendency to think that Eve is like a man in a woman’s body so he believes she should respond to stimuli the same way he does. If she doesn’t, he tries to convince her why she is wrong. Generally he employs the same communication techniques he would use with the guys. This comes across as unloving to Eve.

Eve on the other hand tends to have an opposite view. She tends to think that Adam is like a woman in a man’s body so she believes he should respond to stimuli the same way she does. When he doesn’t she has a tendency to lose respect for him.

Nothing in these two views could be further from the truth. When Adam was alone in the Garden of Eden God said’ “I will make a helper suitable (not like him) for him.” They are like opposite ends of an electrical cord, equally important but different from each other to make the cord function. Likewise, the marriage can work well when the two different genders function as they were intended to.

When Adam thinks Eve is like him just in a female body he will tend to communicate with her as he would another man. The result is an unhappy mamma.

For example, Adam goes out for coffee with his buddies. When he returns Eve asks what they talked about. He says, “I don’t know, stuff I guess.” Eve tends to think, “Why doesn’t he love me? Why doesn’t he talk to me?” He thinks, “Why is she always asking what I’m doing, where I’ve been, what we talked about? It was nothing anyhow. Doesn’t she trust me?”

The problem is that both expect the other to communicate like they do. If Adam wants to achieve his goal he needs to learn to share details and information which seem trivial to him. To Eve these details are a normal part of the way she would communicate with her female friends. It’s a sign of friendship to her. Therefore, if Adam wants mamma to be happy he needs to communicate with her in a way that is loving to her.

One way to do this is to plan what you will talk about before you come home. It is easy to assume that the day to day details, which are of no interest to you, will be of no interest to her. They are of great interest to her. It gives her a window into Adam’s heart and paves the way for a more intimate, loving relationship. Mamma will be happy and if mamma is happy…….!

Next time: Understanding the Male Species. Is Sex Always On His Mind?

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263