Level 5 - Honest and Open Communication
If you just arrived at this posting without the benefit of reading levels 1-4 I suggest you read them first to get the maximum benefit from this article.
Here we arrive at the summit of communication. I liken it to our experience at the temple ruins in Chichen Izza, Mexico. The flight to the top of the temple was long, challenging and dangerous at times but the view from the top was exhilarating! It was worth every ounce ofeffort we exerted to get there.
At this level of communication we can be honest without being condemning or demanding. We have the freedom to think differently and be able to share those differences without fear of being corrected, criticized or condemned.
It sounds like a wonderful place to be and I assure you it is. It's not easy but neither is it impossible. It requires a basic attitude of acceptance. When I accept my wife's opinions,thoughts and feelings without trying to change her or the way she sees things I communicate that I accept her just the way she is. It makes it much easier for her to be completely open and honest with me.
This is not always easy. At times I wonder if it's worth the effort. For example, when she tells me that she feels my attitude towards one of my siblings came across as mean or condescending, or that she thinks I don't like my family I want to defend myself and challenge her thoughts and feelings. I have done this in the past and still slip into the old behavior pattern from time to time. However, every time I do that I invalidate her and destroy the bridge across which I need to cross for intimacy to flourish.
If on the other hand I ask her without defensiveness what I did or said that caused her to think and feel the way she did she is affirmed and feels safe to be honest with me and tell me what she observed. I can then explain why I said or did what I did.
Perhaps she misunderstood or she didn't have all the facts which led her to a faulty conclusion. She can then ask more clarifying questions. If she discovers that her conclusion was faulty she can apologize knowing that I will not hold it against her.
On the other hand if her assessment of the situation is correct then I can thank her for caring enough about me to expose my destructive behavior. Then I can call my sibling and apologize for behaving inappropriately.
In this process we have freely discussed the matter, we have respected each others opinions without defensiveness, we have further strengthened our love and respect for each other thereby building deeper intimacy and I have repaired a bruised relationship with my sibling. It has become a win-win-win situation.
The journey to this level is not always easy but the benefits far outweigh any effort expended to make it happen. Here is where souls meet! Where lovers become soul mates, and intimacy reigns supreme!
http://www.focusedonmarriage.com/
Here we arrive at the summit of communication. I liken it to our experience at the temple ruins in Chichen Izza, Mexico. The flight to the top of the temple was long, challenging and dangerous at times but the view from the top was exhilarating! It was worth every ounce ofeffort we exerted to get there.
At this level of communication we can be honest without being condemning or demanding. We have the freedom to think differently and be able to share those differences without fear of being corrected, criticized or condemned.
It sounds like a wonderful place to be and I assure you it is. It's not easy but neither is it impossible. It requires a basic attitude of acceptance. When I accept my wife's opinions,thoughts and feelings without trying to change her or the way she sees things I communicate that I accept her just the way she is. It makes it much easier for her to be completely open and honest with me.
This is not always easy. At times I wonder if it's worth the effort. For example, when she tells me that she feels my attitude towards one of my siblings came across as mean or condescending, or that she thinks I don't like my family I want to defend myself and challenge her thoughts and feelings. I have done this in the past and still slip into the old behavior pattern from time to time. However, every time I do that I invalidate her and destroy the bridge across which I need to cross for intimacy to flourish.
If on the other hand I ask her without defensiveness what I did or said that caused her to think and feel the way she did she is affirmed and feels safe to be honest with me and tell me what she observed. I can then explain why I said or did what I did.
Perhaps she misunderstood or she didn't have all the facts which led her to a faulty conclusion. She can then ask more clarifying questions. If she discovers that her conclusion was faulty she can apologize knowing that I will not hold it against her.
On the other hand if her assessment of the situation is correct then I can thank her for caring enough about me to expose my destructive behavior. Then I can call my sibling and apologize for behaving inappropriately.
In this process we have freely discussed the matter, we have respected each others opinions without defensiveness, we have further strengthened our love and respect for each other thereby building deeper intimacy and I have repaired a bruised relationship with my sibling. It has become a win-win-win situation.
The journey to this level is not always easy but the benefits far outweigh any effort expended to make it happen. Here is where souls meet! Where lovers become soul mates, and intimacy reigns supreme!
http://www.focusedonmarriage.com/
posted by The Marriage Doctor | 11:41 AM
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