What Language Does My Spouse Speak #4

“I wish he would buy me flowers. I don’t want anything expensive, just something from him. Do you think I’m being selfish?”

Are you married to gift giver? That’s someone who frequently purchases gifts “just because?” Perhaps it’s a trinket, a new item of clothing or flower from the garden or the local flower shop. Do you love giving gifts to your spouse for no special reason other than you love him? We know a couple where the wife frequently comes home with a new shirt of pair of pants for her husband. She knows his size and favorite color and it’s always a perfect match. He on the other hand rarely thinks of buying her anything because that’s not his love language. As a result she tends to feel that he is taking her for granted. She buys him gifts because she loves him so why doesn’t her buy her any?

The power of the gift lies not in its intrinsic value but in its symbolism. It symbolizes love, acceptance, and affection. From early childhood we give gifts. Our children would bring us dandelions as an expression of their love for us. It seems that gift giving is fundamental to love. That is why young lovers give gifts to each other. Do you remember the gifts you gave and received when you fell in love? It wasn’t your lovers thought that mattered; it was the thought put into action through a gift that confirmed his love. The exchanging of wedding rings is a powerful symbol of love. When they are removed after a conflict it makes a powerful statement about the tortured state of the marriage.

Visual expressions of love are more important to some than to others. If your spouses primary love language is giving gifts then the value of the gift you give does not matter. It may be an expensive item or a free one, it makes no difference. You can purchase a gift, make a gift, pick a wild flower as a gift or write a love note as a gift. The options are a wide as your imagination. What matters is that your gift affirms your love for him.

We know of a man who makes a list of all the things his wife likes. When she sees an item in a store or catalogue and indicates she likes it he adds it to his list and carries it in his wallet. His love language is not gift giving so he doesn’t think of buying her things. By using the list he remains in touch with her love needs and can surprise her any day, not just on special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries, with an expression of his love.

Perhaps you find it difficult to spend money for a gift. You would rather save it for an investment or add to your retirement fund. If your spouse’s love language includes giving/receiving gifts then the best investment you can make for your relationship is to invest money, time or creative energies to provide her with gifts – and not just on special occasions. You will be happy with the returns on your investment.

If you are married to a person with gift giving as a primary love language here are some suggestions you might try.

1. Make a gift for your spouse. It will have a special meaning for him.

2. Give your spouse a gift every day for week. It will be a week that will be remembered!

3. Create a notebook with gift ideas. Add to it as you see or hear what she likes.

For these and more ideas on gift giving see The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Next time: What Language Does My Spouse Speak continued.

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263