What Language Does My Spouse Speak #3

“I wish you would hold my hand when we walk through the mall. It makes me feel you love me when you do that.”

“But I’m not a touchy feely person.”

“The only time you touch me is when you want sex. You know how that makes me feel?”

Sound familiar?

Meaningful touch is a unique love language for some people. They are quick to touch others in a reassuring or encouraging ways. A gentle touch on the arm, high five, a hug, a handshake are some of the ways they communicate love and appreciation.

We all have a need to be touched. Studies in orphanages where orphaned children receive very little touch other than feeding and diapering show that these children develop at a much slower pace, become lethargic and vulnerable to diseases and have a high infantile mortality rate. The introduction of cuddling, caressing, eye contact and focused talking quickly changes the children’s mental and physical health. Parents, in Jesus day, brought their children to him so he would touch them.

If your spouse is complaining that there in not enough non sexual physical contact it may mean that his primary love language is physical touch. The absence of it leaves him feel unloved or emotionally disconnected even if other loving things are said and done. You may have heard that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” That may be true for some men and if your love language is acts of service you will love cooking for him. But the way to your man’s heart may have less to do with the quality of your cooking and more to do with meaning full physical touch. Holding hands, kissing, hugging, cuddling, back and foot rubs, sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating love to your spouse.

It took me awhile to learn the power of love languages. I remember one couple who seemed to be doing all the right things in their relationship. She treated him with respect, he loved her. They rarely fought and when they did they were quick to resolve the issue without attacking each other. Despite all the outward signs of a great relationship he felt unfulfilled and she was frustrated by it. She believed there was something wrong with him so they came for help. After some discussion it became apparent that his emotional love bank was empty. She was not making regular deposits into it. She didn’t realize that whenever she touched him she was making a deposit but when she didn’t want to hold hands with him or hug him she was making a withdrawal. His love account was dangerously close to being overdrawn

When she understood that her husband’s primary love language was physical touch she chose to make an effort to touch him every chance she got. She asked God to remind her to touch him. The results were predictable. The more she touched him, the more he felt fulfilled, and more he felt fulfilled the more he tried to meet her needs and the happier she became. It was win-win situation.

If your love language is physical touch but your spouse’s is not then be sure to tell him you need his touch. Don’t assume he should know how important it is to you. Tell him often and show your appreciation when he provides it for you.

If you are married to a person with physical touch as a primary love language here are some suggestions you might try.

1. As you walk from your car to the mall or church hold her hand.

2. If you sit together in church hold your spouses hand when the minister calls for prayer.

3. When family or friends are visiting touch your spouse in their presence. The message he receives is that even though there are others in the house you still notice him.

For these and more ideas on touch see The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Next time: What Language Does My Spouse Speak continued.

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263