What Language Does My Spouse Speak #2

“He never notices anything I do. I clean the house, cook his meals but he never says anything about it. I got a new hairdo the other day and could hardly wait to hear what he would say. He walked in the door, hardly said hello and nothing about my hair. . Why does he never say anything about all the things I do? I always let him know I appreciate what he has done. “

Perhaps you hear or see yourself in that conversation. Some people’s love language is giving words of affirmation. They find it very easy to compliment. They are quick to notice what has been said or done and equally quick to affirm the other person. They are genuine in their appreciation.

These people have a need to be affirmed in return. We all tend to want to have love expressed to us in the same way we give it to others. If your spouse gives words of encouragement and affirmation he will need the same thing in return to feel loved. Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple straight forward statements of affirmation, like:

“You look great in that suit/dress/outfit!”

“You must be best cook in the world. I love this roast.”

“Thanks for arranging for the babysitter tonight. I want you to know I don’t take it for granted.”

Imagine how your marriage would benefit from daily words of affirmation. One of the deepest human needs is to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals.

What if you are not a person of many words? If it is not your primary love language there are things you can do to help speak that language. Carry a notepad with you and record complimentary things you hear others say or read in a book or magazine. Use some of them the next time you have a chance. This has several benefits. It will make you a better listener/reader. It will develop your skill at speaking your spouses love language and after a while you won’t need these aids anymore. You can make a list of the things your spouse does which you appreciate like cooking your favorite meal, a back rub, arranges for babysitters, and so on. Then make it a point to give at least one compliment from that list everyday. Do this for awhile and the written list may not be necessary anymore.

Remember, words are important. Let’s say it again, “WORDS ARE IMPORTANT.” Solomon wrote “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” As an apple a day keeps the doctor away, so a compliment a day may keep the counselor away.

Here are some things you might do if your spouse’s love language is affirming words:

1. Set a goal to give your spouse a compliment each day for a month. The response may surprise you and motivate you to do even more!

2. Compliment your spouse in the presence of his parents or friends. Your spouse will feel loved and respected.

3. Write a love letter or a love sentence. I have done this on several occasions and those notes are tucked away in a special place where our valuables are stored.

4. Find a card that expresses your feelings and underline special words and/or add words of your own.

Put these things into practice and watch what happens to the love climate in your marriage.

For these and more ideas on words of affirmation see The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Next time: What Language Does My Spouse Speak continued.

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263