Is Sex Always On His Mind?

“Is sex the only thing on his mind”, she asked. “Even after we’ve just had a fight he thinks that sex will solve all our problems. It makes no sense to me. Can you help me figure this out?”

That’s not an unusual question we hear in our counseling office. Eve’s problem is really not the problem; it’s a symptom of a problem. The problem lies in not understanding what sex means to both genders. She thinks Adam should respond to sex the way she does and when he doesn’t she feels he is self centered and insensitive to her. Consequently she is disappointed with him. She does not enjoy the physical relationship, feels used by him, and tries to avoid intimate relationships.

Adam thinks Eve should respond the way he does. He doesn’t need any warm up time. Sex for him is the main event, anything else is unnecessary preliminaries. He feels a profound physical relief and a sense of well being. Therefore, he believes that the best way to relieve stress in a relationship is to have sex. It works for him but he can’t understand why Eve doesn’t want to share the same experience with him. Consequently, he is disappointed with her. He feels rejected, his masculinity is threatened so he tends to withdraw to avoid further pain or he becomes aggressive with her so that she will give in to his needs.

How can these two views of sex in marriage become a source of deep intimate expressions of oneness, love, and acceptance?

Dr. Kevin Lehman in his book Sex Begins in the Kitchen Because Love is an All Day Affair makes the point that a good sexual relationship begins in the morning and carries on all day long. For Eve, the physical union is a logical conclusion to an all day relationship. It is not an isolated event in and of itself. When Adam helps prepare breakfast, carries out the garbage, speaks words of encouragement throughout the day, helps with children, then he is engaging Eve’s heart. His actions spell l-o-v-e to her. He is meeting her emotional needs by these actions.

If Adam buys her flowers or takes her out for supper without doing the loving actions Eve feels she is in a business transaction with him. He is buying her services. If however, Adam expresses his love for her throughout the day in a way Eve understands then she wants to express love to him in a way he understands. She meets his physical needs like he meets her emotional needs.

God intended the physical relationship to be a mutually satisfying and fulfilling one. I believe He built very unique emotional needs into Eve which are quite different from Adam’s which only Adam can meet. When he determines to meet those needs Eve feels complete and fulfilled and wants to fulfill Adam’s needs. The more skilled Adam becomes at meeting her needs the more skilled she becomes in reaching out to meet his. The result is a grand symphony of love unmatched by any other human experience.

Next time: Why is he always trying to fix me?

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263