Level 4 - Emotional Communciation

This a riskier level but the payoff is huge. We can be hurt easier at this level but we also have the potential for a much deeper level of intimacy.

Here I begin to say how I feel about things. The risk is that my feelings may be rejected. If I say to my wife that I feel depressed she may say “How could you possibly feel that way. Look at the house we live in, the car we drive, the way I serve you everyday by cooking your meals,doing your laundry, meeting your sexual needs. How could you possibly be depressed?”

My feelings have been invalidated and I feel rejected. Chances are I will not share my feelings again. The opportunity for building intimacy through good communication is lost.

On the other hand if she were to say things like, “I'm sorry you feel that way. Can we talk about it?” validates my feelings. There may be no objective basis for my feeling depressed but that is not the issue. The issue is that's the way I feel at the moment and her response makes it easier to talk to her about it. She seized the opportunity to build intimacy.

Here are some feeling words you may have felt or feel right now..

“I feel hurt, sad, disappointed, romantic, happy, fearful, angry, bored, unloved,lonely, loving, betrayed, discouraged, affectionate, encouraged, burned - out,disillusioned, awkward, ecstatic, peaceful, babied, cheated on, confused, bad, beautiful,dejected, bitchy, drained, dumb, manipulated, pressured, lied to, guilt-tripped, smothered,violated, unsafe, optimistic, classy, cheerful."

These terms reveal our emotions and expose how we feel about things. One woman complained to us that her husband had no feelings. “He never lets me know how he feels about anything. I would give or do almost anything to see him get mad or excited about something.”

There may be good reasons for his reluctance to share his feelings. If he heard words like, “you shouldn't feel that way” or “how could you feel that way after all I do for you everyday,” or “I thought you had forgiven that a long time ago. How can you still feel that way?” he will resort back to level one or two communication. He perceives it to be safer there.

There are some complicating factors at this level. It is not uncommon for husband and wife to feel very differently about the same thing. For instance, I may have enjoyed the concert but my wife felt it was boring. If I allow her to tell me why she didn't like it without chastising her for not appreciating the evening after I spent money for the tickets, or if she asks me what I enjoyed about it we can come to a better understanding of each other and build a deeper level of intimacy.

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