What Language Does My Spouse Speak?

“I just can’t seem to please her. I take her out for suppers, bring her flowers, tell her she is beautiful and that I love her but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I don’t know what else to do.”

“He’s right. He does all these wonderful things for me. Other women think I have a great husband, and I do, but something is missing. It doesn’t make sense to feel this way but I do and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Perhaps you find yourself in a similar situation. You’ve done all you can to communicate your love but you don’t seem to connect. So what’s the problem?

Imagine that you speak Greek (if that’s your language choose another one) and your spouse speaks Chinese. You express your love and affection in your language but she doesn’t understand. It doesn’t matter how often you speak to her or how passionate you are in trying to communicate with her; if she doesn’t speak your language your best efforts will be frustrating for both of you.

Love has a language and each of us speaks it in a unique way. Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages suggests that understanding each others love language is the key to a happy relationship.

The couple who came to see us were speaking two different languages. She expressed her love by doing things for her husband. She made his favorite foods, helped clean his car, kept the yard clean and trim. Their house was vacuumed and the windows cleaned. She sewed and baked for others. She didn’t complain about the work she did because she loved doing it for him. These acts of service were a joy to her.

However, he wasn’t interested in helping her with the things she was doing. He didn’t help with lawn care, he never vacuumed for her even though she had asked him to help. He enjoyed sporting events as a spectator and participant. He would ask her to join him but she didn’t enjoy sports. Sometimes she joined him just to be with him and he always treated her well when she came.

He loved his work. He would spend every available moment at the office or with clients. As a result he was financially successful. They had a new house, went on winter vacations and enjoyed the good life. But they weren’t connecting at a heart level.

The reason was simple. Her love language was doing things for others. That was completely natural to her. She thought that everyone expressed love that way. Therefore, she assumed since her husband wasn’t eager to do things for her he didn’t love her. All the good things he gave her meant very little to her. Her basic need of having love shown by doing things for her was unmet.

When he understood her language he began to speak it to her. He helped her around the house and the yard. He looked for ways to do little things for her. The result was quite predictable. She began to feel loved, oneness grew in their relationship and marriage flourished.

Here are some things you might do if your spouse’s love language is doing things for others.

1. Make a list of all the things your spouse has asked you to do over the past few weeks. Do one each week until they are all done.

2. Ask your spouse to make a list of 10-12 things she wants you to in the next month. Ask her to prioritize them and then do them in her order of preference.

3. Is there one area of service you have been nagged about for some time? It’s probably an area of importance for your spouse so choose to do it this week

4. Periodically ask your spouse what one special act of service you can do this week and then do it. It will likely be received as a powerful expression of your love.

For these and more ideas on acts of service see The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Next time: What Language Does My Spouse Speak continued.

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263