Why Is He Always Trying to Fix Me?

“He never listens so to me. I try to talk with him about what bothers me but he never listens. All he does is try to fix me. He doesn’t listen. I don’t need fixing. How do I get him to understand that?”

Sound familiar?

We’ve heard lines like this many times from wives who are married to good husbands who are trying their very best to help their wives. However, they’re trying to help her like they would help another man. Listen briefly, fix the problem, and send them on their way. That works for men but it doesn’t work for women.

God has created Adam to be goal oriented. He wants to complete a project or fix a problem and then go onto the next one. His mental focus is on finding a solution. If he can fix the problem he feels good about himself and his masculinity is reaffirmed. Therefore, when Eve comes home from work to complain about the boss Adam is quick to offer a solution. “Why don’t you quit, why don’t you tell him to get off your back, why do you let him walk all over you?”

Adam means very well when he offers these suggestions. In his mind he is listening to Eve and giving her the advice she is asking for. But to Eve, his reply comes across as uncaring and insensitive.

“You never listen to me,” she says. Adam is bewildered. In his mind he had listened very carefully. He heard her problem. He thought of a solution and offered it to her because he loved her and wanted her to be relieved of the problem. If she would do what he suggested she would be happy, he would be happy and they could enjoy a great evening together. Instead he is accused of not listening.

How can these two perceptions to the same issue become on opportunity to build oneness rather than conflict and stress?

First, it’s important for Eve to understand that Adam means well. His intentions are noble. The fact is that he did listen; he did care and did want her to be relieved of her misery. He responded out of his goal orientation like he would do for any one of the guys. They hear a problem, quickly offer solutions and then go for a round of golf with their problems behind them.

Second, it’s important for Adam to understand that Eve is not a guy in a woman’s body. To her, talking about a problem is a relationship building exercise. She needs him to listen without offering any advice. As he actively listens by making eye contact, sympathizing with her situation, and allows her to say whatever she wants about the situation without offering advice, Eve suddenly feels better and the issue can be put behind her. She feels a renewed love and respect for her man. Adam thinks, “How can the situation be better? I didn’t do anything yet.” The fact is that he did just what Eve needed. He listened without fixing her.

The result it a win-win situation. Eve’s problem doesn’t seem nearly as big anymore, her love and respect for Adam has grown, she is ready to enjoy a good evening with Adam and he has “a happy mamma and if mamma is happy, everyone is happy!”

Next time: What language does my spouse speak?

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263