Level 3 - Intelletual Communication
At this level we are beginning to talk about our opinions or interpretations about the facts we heard.
Things like, 'I think Jimmy's teacher is doing a great job” or, “I think our pastor connects very well with the children: or, “I think we should delay our vacation until we know mother is well on the way to recovery,” are going beyond the facts.
In response my wife might reply, “I think she is in good care. The doctors told us she is doing reasonably well and that it would it would be OK for us to go away for a few weeks. We've been so tied down for a while that I think its time for us to take care of ourselves.”
I might reply, “I think it's a good idea for us to get away but I think we need to keep our cell phone close at hand in case we need to be reached.”
To which she might reply, “I think we should leave the cell phone in our hotel room rather than take it with us. I think I will feel uptight knowing the phone could ring any moment. If we have to be reached they can leave a message on the answering machine or they can contact the front desk. They will notify us of a call when we come in. I think we would enjoy our vacation more that way.”
Then I might reply, “I think I know what you mean. I think I can live with that. I think my family will understand. If they need to reach us they can leave a message and we will get back to them as soon as possible.”
At this level we are both sharing our thoughts with each other. However, its risky at this stage. It is easy for either partner to misunderstand the other persons motives or intentions and question and challenge them.
Individuals who think they have to be in control may try to force the other person to think the way they do. For instance, I might have accused my wife of being uncaring by not wanting to take the cell phone with us when out for the day. That would have caused her to be hurt and she would resist sharing other thoughts with me. She would have retreated to the safety of level one or two communication.
On the other hand she might have accused me of thinking my mother was more important than she was. I would have felt attacked, stopped talking about the matter and decided not to tell her what I think anymore.
Our thoughts are important to us and we want others to accept them for what they are – just thoughts. If one spouse attacks the other's thoughts, inimizes them or ignores them the other feels rejected and may decide to keep all further thoughts to him/herself and revert back to level two communication.
Intellectual communication necessitates each partner giving the other the freedom to think differently. It's quite OK to disagree. It is perfectly alright for me to have one thought about taking the cell phone with me and my wife have a different view on the matter. These differences need not impede intimacy.
However, if one or the other demands agreement on thoughts and opinions intimacy will be replaced with arguing, fighting, silence and replaced with the loneliness of level one and two communication.
http://www.focusedonmarriage.com/
Things like, 'I think Jimmy's teacher is doing a great job” or, “I think our pastor connects very well with the children: or, “I think we should delay our vacation until we know mother is well on the way to recovery,” are going beyond the facts.
In response my wife might reply, “I think she is in good care. The doctors told us she is doing reasonably well and that it would it would be OK for us to go away for a few weeks. We've been so tied down for a while that I think its time for us to take care of ourselves.”
I might reply, “I think it's a good idea for us to get away but I think we need to keep our cell phone close at hand in case we need to be reached.”
To which she might reply, “I think we should leave the cell phone in our hotel room rather than take it with us. I think I will feel uptight knowing the phone could ring any moment. If we have to be reached they can leave a message on the answering machine or they can contact the front desk. They will notify us of a call when we come in. I think we would enjoy our vacation more that way.”
Then I might reply, “I think I know what you mean. I think I can live with that. I think my family will understand. If they need to reach us they can leave a message and we will get back to them as soon as possible.”
At this level we are both sharing our thoughts with each other. However, its risky at this stage. It is easy for either partner to misunderstand the other persons motives or intentions and question and challenge them.
Individuals who think they have to be in control may try to force the other person to think the way they do. For instance, I might have accused my wife of being uncaring by not wanting to take the cell phone with us when out for the day. That would have caused her to be hurt and she would resist sharing other thoughts with me. She would have retreated to the safety of level one or two communication.
On the other hand she might have accused me of thinking my mother was more important than she was. I would have felt attacked, stopped talking about the matter and decided not to tell her what I think anymore.
Our thoughts are important to us and we want others to accept them for what they are – just thoughts. If one spouse attacks the other's thoughts, inimizes them or ignores them the other feels rejected and may decide to keep all further thoughts to him/herself and revert back to level two communication.
Intellectual communication necessitates each partner giving the other the freedom to think differently. It's quite OK to disagree. It is perfectly alright for me to have one thought about taking the cell phone with me and my wife have a different view on the matter. These differences need not impede intimacy.
However, if one or the other demands agreement on thoughts and opinions intimacy will be replaced with arguing, fighting, silence and replaced with the loneliness of level one and two communication.
http://www.focusedonmarriage.com/
posted by The Marriage Doctor | 11:31 AM
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