Boundaries That Work

Boundaries That Work

In my previous article I said that boundaries are essentially about self control. They set limits for the way you respond to someone else’s behaviour. They are an expression of love. They communicate respect. They help create an environment where both partners can focus on the issue and how they will respond to it rather than on each other. Then love can grow.

In this article I want to give some examples of boundaries.

Language or words define what you will or won’t do. “No, I don’t want to do that, yes I want to do that, I will, I won’t, I do/don’t like that” are words which establish boundaries. They let your partner know what you are willing to do or not to do. Notice that in each one of these boundaries the focus is on you and your actions. You can not establish boundaries for what someone can or cannot do.

Truth is another boundary. God has established laws and principles for us to live by. They were given to provide security and stability in our relationships. For example, “do not commit adultery” is a law that was given to avoid heartache and pain. If I choose to ignore this law I will suffer the consequences but the law will still be there. It cannot be broken; I am the one that gets broken when I run against it. Once again the focus is on what you will or won’t do with the truth. You can only set a boundary for yourself.

Other examples of truth as boundaries include, do not lie, do not steal, do forgive, do exercise compassion, do love and respect each other. Living within these boundaries creates security in one’s relationships.

Establishing consequences for unacceptable behaviour is another type of boundary. Actions speak loudly when the whisper of words goes unheeded. This is one of the more difficult boundaries to establish but a very important one. For example if a spouse uses abusive or insulting language you can choose to leave the room or the house if necessary. You cannot stop the abuse but you don’t have to stay in the abusers presence. Or if a spouse drinks to much you choose not to call his boss to bail him out. You establish a boundary that causes him or her to experience the consequences of their behaviour. If lease payments are not made and you allow the vehicle to be repossessed you reinforce that irresponsible behaviour will have unpleasant consequences. This can be a great motivator for change.

Sometimes a more drastic boundary needs to be established. When a spouse or a child is in physical danger you may need to leave for awhile. A time of separation may be necessary to allow time to heal and to address systemic issues. It is very important that when a boundary about leaving is established you live up to under any and all circumstances. For example, when you say you will leave if your spouse hits you again or brings drugs into the house you must leave if that happens. Failure to leaves robs both partners of the benefits that can come from feeling the consequences of his or her actions. In addition, failure to act when a stated boundary has been crossed gives permission for the abuse to continue. It says that there are no consequences for the abuse. This form of enablement is a virtual guarantee that the marriage will end in disaster.

In each of these boundaries you establish limits for your own actions. You are choosing to not be a victim or be at the mercy of someone else. This has the potential for defusing an immediate situation and change the entire relationship itself.

An excellent resource for learning more about boundaries in marriage is the book Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263.

Boundaries Help Love Flourish

“Why do I always get so mad at him? When he doesn’t do what I think he should do I get so upset. Sometimes I yell at him, other times I give him a cold shoulder. I don’t like what I’m doing but I don’t know how to stop. Can you help me?”

"What’s your motivation for this behaviour,” we asked.

“I want him to change.”

“Is it working?”

“NO.”

“Then why carry on with it?”

“Because he bugs me. I want him to know he makes me mad. I want him to change.”

“Do you love him?”

“Yes, but I want him to change.”

“So what you really want is to control or punish him. You choose to behave in an inappropriate way so he will change. Trying to control another person never works. Love does not try to control anyone else. We can only control ourselves. When we choose to control our behaviour we begin to create an environment where change can happen. Right now your husband is focused on responding to your behaviour and that keeps him from seeing his role in the conflict.”

Every couple has moments of misunderstanding and hurt feelings. The issue at that point is not what was done to us but rather how we respond to what happened. The way to respond appropriately is to establish boundaries for behaviour. Boundaries are set to control our own behaviour, not that of our spouse. If I say to my wife, “I’m setting a boundary for you, you can’t yell at me anymore, she will say, ‘Really? Watch me.”

The only boundary I can set is for me. A boundary is simply a property line. It marks the beginning and the end of something. I know how far I can go in landscaping my yard because there is boundary between mine and my neighbor’s property. I am responsible for what I do on my property. I can’t blame him for the weeds on my yard. No matter what he does or doesn’t do on his yard I am responsible for mine.

In a similar way I can establish boundaries for my own behaviour. I can choose never to cross the boundary into yelling, hitting, name calling, or any other inappropriate behaviour. Boundaries are essentially about self control. They are an expression of love. They communicate respect. They help create an environment where both partners can focus on the issue and how they will respond to it rather than on each other and then love can grow.

If I believe that my spouse is responsible for my behaviour I am at his or her mercy. I have made myself a victim or slave. The moment I assume personal responsibility for my behaviour I am free, I am no longer a slave to his or her problems and better yet, I have created an environment which can change the marriage relationship itself.

Here are some suggestions to begin setting boundaries.

Identify the problem behaviour. For example, yelling, hitting, silent treatment, swearing, name calling.

Determine never to cross the boundary into the problem behaviour.

If you find you have crossed over here is what you do. Stop in mid sentence; say out loud, “Stop! I am not going there again.” Then start the conversation again. You will have reinforced your commitment to assuming responsibility for a loving, respectful response. You are now in control. You will be empowered.

Next time: Examples of boundaries

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263