At this level of communication you communicate only the facts. You tell each other what has happened or what you've done but you don't share any opinions or feeling surrounding the facts.
For example, when my wife tells me that she has a doctors appointment at 3 in the afternoon, or that our son and daughter in law are coming for supper, or that our daughter and her husband and their daughter are coming to spend the night, she is reporting facts. She has not told me whether she is anxious or concerned about her appointment or whether she is looking forward to the children coming home.
If I respond by telling her I have a tee off at 8 the next morning and then get up to go wash car we have simply exchanged information.
At this level of communication we simply share facts without revealing anything about ourselves. Our opinions or emotional reactions remain hidden.
We were counseling a couple who were trying to rebuild a hurting marriage relationship. She complained that they didn't communicate. He said, “we talk all the time.” She replied, “but we never say anything, we don't connect. I feel so lonely in this marriage.”
They were stuck in level one and two.
There can be a vast amount of information shared at this level: what time the concert begins, how much will it cost to repair the lawn mower, when does Jimmy's baptism class begin, where will we meet for lunch, when is Susan coming back from her missions trip. This is important information that needs sharing.
I have on occasion wound up at the wrong restaurant for a meeting because I hadn't received or communicated the facts properly. We've also arrived late to sing at a wedding reception because we didn't get our facts straight about the starting time.
This is a very important level of communication. Success in any field depends on this level. However, this level does not produce closeness in a marriage relationship. Unfortunately many couples spend their entire lives here. They think they are communicating but in reality there is little if any emotional, spiritual, intellectual or physical oneness at this level.
I will never forget this one particular couple who came to see us for help. They'd been married to each other for over 50 years. “Can you help us communicate,” they asked. “We've never been able to communicate since the first day of our marriage. Now we are great grand parents and unless you can teach us how to communicate with each other we will separate.” She cried as she talked about how lonely she felt.
They communicated for over 50 years almost exclusively at level two.
What level are you at in your communication – level one or two? If these are your predominant levels be encouraged. At least you are communicating. However, there can be much more at the next level.
Stay with me as we explore the next level in my next post.
