What Language Does My Spouse Speak?

“I just can’t seem to please her. I take her out for suppers, bring her flowers, tell her she is beautiful and that I love her but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I don’t know what else to do.”

“He’s right. He does all these wonderful things for me. Other women think I have a great husband, and I do, but something is missing. It doesn’t make sense to feel this way but I do and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Perhaps you find yourself in a similar situation. You’ve done all you can to communicate your love but you don’t seem to connect. So what’s the problem?

Imagine that you speak Greek (if that’s your language choose another one) and your spouse speaks Chinese. You express your love and affection in your language but she doesn’t understand. It doesn’t matter how often you speak to her or how passionate you are in trying to communicate with her; if she doesn’t speak your language your best efforts will be frustrating for both of you.

Love has a language and each of us speaks it in a unique way. Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages suggests that understanding each others love language is the key to a happy relationship.

The couple who came to see us were speaking two different languages. She expressed her love by doing things for her husband. She made his favorite foods, helped clean his car, kept the yard clean and trim. Their house was vacuumed and the windows cleaned. She sewed and baked for others. She didn’t complain about the work she did because she loved doing it for him. These acts of service were a joy to her.

However, he wasn’t interested in helping her with the things she was doing. He didn’t help with lawn care, he never vacuumed for her even though she had asked him to help. He enjoyed sporting events as a spectator and participant. He would ask her to join him but she didn’t enjoy sports. Sometimes she joined him just to be with him and he always treated her well when she came.

He loved his work. He would spend every available moment at the office or with clients. As a result he was financially successful. They had a new house, went on winter vacations and enjoyed the good life. But they weren’t connecting at a heart level.

The reason was simple. Her love language was doing things for others. That was completely natural to her. She thought that everyone expressed love that way. Therefore, she assumed since her husband wasn’t eager to do things for her he didn’t love her. All the good things he gave her meant very little to her. Her basic need of having love shown by doing things for her was unmet.

When he understood her language he began to speak it to her. He helped her around the house and the yard. He looked for ways to do little things for her. The result was quite predictable. She began to feel loved, oneness grew in their relationship and marriage flourished.

Here are some things you might do if your spouse’s love language is doing things for others.

1. Make a list of all the things your spouse has asked you to do over the past few weeks. Do one each week until they are all done.

2. Ask your spouse to make a list of 10-12 things she wants you to in the next month. Ask her to prioritize them and then do them in her order of preference.

3. Is there one area of service you have been nagged about for some time? It’s probably an area of importance for your spouse so choose to do it this week

4. Periodically ask your spouse what one special act of service you can do this week and then do it. It will likely be received as a powerful expression of your love.

For these and more ideas on acts of service see The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Next time: What Language Does My Spouse Speak continued.

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263

Why Is He Always Trying to Fix Me?

“He never listens so to me. I try to talk with him about what bothers me but he never listens. All he does is try to fix me. He doesn’t listen. I don’t need fixing. How do I get him to understand that?”

Sound familiar?

We’ve heard lines like this many times from wives who are married to good husbands who are trying their very best to help their wives. However, they’re trying to help her like they would help another man. Listen briefly, fix the problem, and send them on their way. That works for men but it doesn’t work for women.

God has created Adam to be goal oriented. He wants to complete a project or fix a problem and then go onto the next one. His mental focus is on finding a solution. If he can fix the problem he feels good about himself and his masculinity is reaffirmed. Therefore, when Eve comes home from work to complain about the boss Adam is quick to offer a solution. “Why don’t you quit, why don’t you tell him to get off your back, why do you let him walk all over you?”

Adam means very well when he offers these suggestions. In his mind he is listening to Eve and giving her the advice she is asking for. But to Eve, his reply comes across as uncaring and insensitive.

“You never listen to me,” she says. Adam is bewildered. In his mind he had listened very carefully. He heard her problem. He thought of a solution and offered it to her because he loved her and wanted her to be relieved of the problem. If she would do what he suggested she would be happy, he would be happy and they could enjoy a great evening together. Instead he is accused of not listening.

How can these two perceptions to the same issue become on opportunity to build oneness rather than conflict and stress?

First, it’s important for Eve to understand that Adam means well. His intentions are noble. The fact is that he did listen; he did care and did want her to be relieved of her misery. He responded out of his goal orientation like he would do for any one of the guys. They hear a problem, quickly offer solutions and then go for a round of golf with their problems behind them.

Second, it’s important for Adam to understand that Eve is not a guy in a woman’s body. To her, talking about a problem is a relationship building exercise. She needs him to listen without offering any advice. As he actively listens by making eye contact, sympathizing with her situation, and allows her to say whatever she wants about the situation without offering advice, Eve suddenly feels better and the issue can be put behind her. She feels a renewed love and respect for her man. Adam thinks, “How can the situation be better? I didn’t do anything yet.” The fact is that he did just what Eve needed. He listened without fixing her.

The result it a win-win situation. Eve’s problem doesn’t seem nearly as big anymore, her love and respect for Adam has grown, she is ready to enjoy a good evening with Adam and he has “a happy mamma and if mamma is happy, everyone is happy!”

Next time: What language does my spouse speak?

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263

Is Sex Always On His Mind?

“Is sex the only thing on his mind”, she asked. “Even after we’ve just had a fight he thinks that sex will solve all our problems. It makes no sense to me. Can you help me figure this out?”

That’s not an unusual question we hear in our counseling office. Eve’s problem is really not the problem; it’s a symptom of a problem. The problem lies in not understanding what sex means to both genders. She thinks Adam should respond to sex the way she does and when he doesn’t she feels he is self centered and insensitive to her. Consequently she is disappointed with him. She does not enjoy the physical relationship, feels used by him, and tries to avoid intimate relationships.

Adam thinks Eve should respond the way he does. He doesn’t need any warm up time. Sex for him is the main event, anything else is unnecessary preliminaries. He feels a profound physical relief and a sense of well being. Therefore, he believes that the best way to relieve stress in a relationship is to have sex. It works for him but he can’t understand why Eve doesn’t want to share the same experience with him. Consequently, he is disappointed with her. He feels rejected, his masculinity is threatened so he tends to withdraw to avoid further pain or he becomes aggressive with her so that she will give in to his needs.

How can these two views of sex in marriage become a source of deep intimate expressions of oneness, love, and acceptance?

Dr. Kevin Lehman in his book Sex Begins in the Kitchen Because Love is an All Day Affair makes the point that a good sexual relationship begins in the morning and carries on all day long. For Eve, the physical union is a logical conclusion to an all day relationship. It is not an isolated event in and of itself. When Adam helps prepare breakfast, carries out the garbage, speaks words of encouragement throughout the day, helps with children, then he is engaging Eve’s heart. His actions spell l-o-v-e to her. He is meeting her emotional needs by these actions.

If Adam buys her flowers or takes her out for supper without doing the loving actions Eve feels she is in a business transaction with him. He is buying her services. If however, Adam expresses his love for her throughout the day in a way Eve understands then she wants to express love to him in a way he understands. She meets his physical needs like he meets her emotional needs.

God intended the physical relationship to be a mutually satisfying and fulfilling one. I believe He built very unique emotional needs into Eve which are quite different from Adam’s which only Adam can meet. When he determines to meet those needs Eve feels complete and fulfilled and wants to fulfill Adam’s needs. The more skilled Adam becomes at meeting her needs the more skilled she becomes in reaching out to meet his. The result is a grand symphony of love unmatched by any other human experience.

Next time: Why is he always trying to fix me?

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263