If you want to improve the level of your communication you've got to know where you are so you can figuure out how to get to where you want to be.
I like the story of the weary traveler who stops at the home of an old farmer to ask for directions to the town of New Hope. The old man scratched his head, shuffled his feet, and with a shrug of his tired old shoulders replied, “Sir, I've never been to New Hope in all my life and as far as I know you can't get there from here.”
Like the old man you've got to know where you are to get to where you want to be. And you want to get to the place of New Hope and Better Communication.
The first step will be to see where you are in your communication.
There are five basic levels of communication. Good communication between spouses involves all five levels but the ultimate goal is get to level five. Let's see what level you are at.
Level 1 – Casual Communication
Level 2- Factual Communication
Level 3 – Intellectual Communication
Level 4 – Emotional Communication
Level 5 – Honest and Open Communication
This is communication like “how are you, fine, have a good day.” It's surface talk, safe and polite conversations we expect from others and which we give to them. We hardly think about what we are saying on this level. We're simply acknowledging the other persons presence.
That's a positive step in communication. Some couples we counsel aren't even at this level. They are devoid of common courtesies like “good morning, have a nice day, see you later.”
At our house we have an unwritten level one communication. We greet each other with a “good morning dear, did you sleep will last night” every morning. Then at night as we roll over to go to sleep we say, “see you in morning dear, love you.”
That's level one communication. It simply acknowledges the other person but it does not go as deep as we'd like. It's the type of communication we use in public places. At the time of this writing my mother is in the hospital recovering from heart by pass surgery. She was expected to be in the intensive care unit for a night and a day. She's been there for over 8 weeks and there is still no end in sight. I love my mother and pray that she will make a full recovery.
However, when someone asks me in a public place how I'm doing I say “fine, thank you.” I don't tell them that I am concerned about my mother's health or that my dad is tiring out from making the one hour trip to and from the hospital everyday or that I feel guilty at times for not being there for them as often as I would like. I don't feel free to share those things at this level of communication nor is anyone else expecting more.
Unfortunately some people rarely get beyond this level of communication. They're like two lonely ships passing in the dark, each one going towards their own destination without noticing each other.
Next: Level Two Factual Communication
I found a chapter in Gary Chapman's book Covenant Marriage helpful for communication levels
