What Language Does My Spouse Speak #5

“I’m so frustrated with my husband. I want him to sit on the couch with me but he flops into his chair, watches a bit of television and falls asleep. How do I get him to spend with me without the TV or computer? He’s a good provider, he never mistreats me but I feel so lonely. Is there something wrong with me?”

No, there was nothing wrong with her. She wanted to spend quality time with her husband. Her love tank was running on empty because he was not spending quality alone time with her. Quality time means looking at each other while talking. It means turning off the television, putting down the newspaper and giving undivided attention. Remember when you dated you could talk about anything for hours? You may not have known it but you were giving quality time to each other. If that is your primary love language then those times were very special to you.

I love to watch people in restaurants. It’s fairly easy to pick out the ones who are dating from those who have been married for awhile. To the dating couple the food hardly matters, to the married couple it’s all that matters. If your spouse’s love language is quality time then eye to eye conversation over a meal or dessert is a powerful expression of love.

A key component of quality time is togetherness. It’s possible to be together in one room but not be together emotionally. Talking on the phone, watching the news or reading a paper in the same room is not togetherness. That is a roommate relationship. Quality time means giving full attention to your spouse. We play lot of table games at our house. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don’t but that's not the point. The point is togetherness. We talk about our hopes and dreams, our children and grandchildren, our plans for our future, and the game becomes the vehicle through which we give quality time to each other.

There are other ways this goal of togetherness can be achieved. Going for walks together, going for rides without the stereo turned on or enjoying a picnic in the park, planting a garden, visit garage sales, wash the car together, listen to music are just a few ways you can share quality time with each other. It’s not what you do that matters, it the reason for doing what you’re doing that matters. And if the reason is quality togetherness then every such activity strengthens your marriage. It also builds a memory back of activities from which to draw at a later date. “Remember when….” can be the opening line for a shared trip down memory lane.

Spending quality time together provides the opportunity to get to know one another at a much deeper level. It’s the time to talk and listen, a time for self revelation and loving acceptance, time to empathize and sympathize; time to learn to bear one another’s burdens in the safety of loving relationship. It takes an investiture of time but the dividends are truly wonderful. And I assure you, it’s much easier spending quality time with each other now than it is trying to restore a broken relationship in a counselor’s office.

If you are married to a person with quality time as a primary love language here are some suggestions you might try.

1. Drive or walk through your spouse’s childhood neighborhood. Ask questions about childhood experiences, dreams, achievements.

2. Share a lunch with your spouse in a park. Be sure to turn off your cell phone or pager and focus on talking with each other.

3. Think of an activity your spouse likes but you don’t enjoy like the symphony or football game. Tell your spouse you want to join him in one of these activities, set a date and be sure to attend.

For these and more ideas on spending quality time together see The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263

What Language Does My Spouse Speak #4

“I wish he would buy me flowers. I don’t want anything expensive, just something from him. Do you think I’m being selfish?”

Are you married to gift giver? That’s someone who frequently purchases gifts “just because?” Perhaps it’s a trinket, a new item of clothing or flower from the garden or the local flower shop. Do you love giving gifts to your spouse for no special reason other than you love him? We know a couple where the wife frequently comes home with a new shirt of pair of pants for her husband. She knows his size and favorite color and it’s always a perfect match. He on the other hand rarely thinks of buying her anything because that’s not his love language. As a result she tends to feel that he is taking her for granted. She buys him gifts because she loves him so why doesn’t her buy her any?

The power of the gift lies not in its intrinsic value but in its symbolism. It symbolizes love, acceptance, and affection. From early childhood we give gifts. Our children would bring us dandelions as an expression of their love for us. It seems that gift giving is fundamental to love. That is why young lovers give gifts to each other. Do you remember the gifts you gave and received when you fell in love? It wasn’t your lovers thought that mattered; it was the thought put into action through a gift that confirmed his love. The exchanging of wedding rings is a powerful symbol of love. When they are removed after a conflict it makes a powerful statement about the tortured state of the marriage.

Visual expressions of love are more important to some than to others. If your spouses primary love language is giving gifts then the value of the gift you give does not matter. It may be an expensive item or a free one, it makes no difference. You can purchase a gift, make a gift, pick a wild flower as a gift or write a love note as a gift. The options are a wide as your imagination. What matters is that your gift affirms your love for him.

We know of a man who makes a list of all the things his wife likes. When she sees an item in a store or catalogue and indicates she likes it he adds it to his list and carries it in his wallet. His love language is not gift giving so he doesn’t think of buying her things. By using the list he remains in touch with her love needs and can surprise her any day, not just on special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries, with an expression of his love.

Perhaps you find it difficult to spend money for a gift. You would rather save it for an investment or add to your retirement fund. If your spouse’s love language includes giving/receiving gifts then the best investment you can make for your relationship is to invest money, time or creative energies to provide her with gifts – and not just on special occasions. You will be happy with the returns on your investment.

If you are married to a person with gift giving as a primary love language here are some suggestions you might try.

1. Make a gift for your spouse. It will have a special meaning for him.

2. Give your spouse a gift every day for week. It will be a week that will be remembered!

3. Create a notebook with gift ideas. Add to it as you see or hear what she likes.

For these and more ideas on gift giving see The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Next time: What Language Does My Spouse Speak continued.

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263

What Language Does My Spouse Speak #3

“I wish you would hold my hand when we walk through the mall. It makes me feel you love me when you do that.”

“But I’m not a touchy feely person.”

“The only time you touch me is when you want sex. You know how that makes me feel?”

Sound familiar?

Meaningful touch is a unique love language for some people. They are quick to touch others in a reassuring or encouraging ways. A gentle touch on the arm, high five, a hug, a handshake are some of the ways they communicate love and appreciation.

We all have a need to be touched. Studies in orphanages where orphaned children receive very little touch other than feeding and diapering show that these children develop at a much slower pace, become lethargic and vulnerable to diseases and have a high infantile mortality rate. The introduction of cuddling, caressing, eye contact and focused talking quickly changes the children’s mental and physical health. Parents, in Jesus day, brought their children to him so he would touch them.

If your spouse is complaining that there in not enough non sexual physical contact it may mean that his primary love language is physical touch. The absence of it leaves him feel unloved or emotionally disconnected even if other loving things are said and done. You may have heard that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” That may be true for some men and if your love language is acts of service you will love cooking for him. But the way to your man’s heart may have less to do with the quality of your cooking and more to do with meaning full physical touch. Holding hands, kissing, hugging, cuddling, back and foot rubs, sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating love to your spouse.

It took me awhile to learn the power of love languages. I remember one couple who seemed to be doing all the right things in their relationship. She treated him with respect, he loved her. They rarely fought and when they did they were quick to resolve the issue without attacking each other. Despite all the outward signs of a great relationship he felt unfulfilled and she was frustrated by it. She believed there was something wrong with him so they came for help. After some discussion it became apparent that his emotional love bank was empty. She was not making regular deposits into it. She didn’t realize that whenever she touched him she was making a deposit but when she didn’t want to hold hands with him or hug him she was making a withdrawal. His love account was dangerously close to being overdrawn

When she understood that her husband’s primary love language was physical touch she chose to make an effort to touch him every chance she got. She asked God to remind her to touch him. The results were predictable. The more she touched him, the more he felt fulfilled, and more he felt fulfilled the more he tried to meet her needs and the happier she became. It was win-win situation.

If your love language is physical touch but your spouse’s is not then be sure to tell him you need his touch. Don’t assume he should know how important it is to you. Tell him often and show your appreciation when he provides it for you.

If you are married to a person with physical touch as a primary love language here are some suggestions you might try.

1. As you walk from your car to the mall or church hold her hand.

2. If you sit together in church hold your spouses hand when the minister calls for prayer.

3. When family or friends are visiting touch your spouse in their presence. The message he receives is that even though there are others in the house you still notice him.

For these and more ideas on touch see The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Next time: What Language Does My Spouse Speak continued.

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263

What Language Does My Spouse Speak #2

“He never notices anything I do. I clean the house, cook his meals but he never says anything about it. I got a new hairdo the other day and could hardly wait to hear what he would say. He walked in the door, hardly said hello and nothing about my hair. . Why does he never say anything about all the things I do? I always let him know I appreciate what he has done. “

Perhaps you hear or see yourself in that conversation. Some people’s love language is giving words of affirmation. They find it very easy to compliment. They are quick to notice what has been said or done and equally quick to affirm the other person. They are genuine in their appreciation.

These people have a need to be affirmed in return. We all tend to want to have love expressed to us in the same way we give it to others. If your spouse gives words of encouragement and affirmation he will need the same thing in return to feel loved. Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple straight forward statements of affirmation, like:

“You look great in that suit/dress/outfit!”

“You must be best cook in the world. I love this roast.”

“Thanks for arranging for the babysitter tonight. I want you to know I don’t take it for granted.”

Imagine how your marriage would benefit from daily words of affirmation. One of the deepest human needs is to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals.

What if you are not a person of many words? If it is not your primary love language there are things you can do to help speak that language. Carry a notepad with you and record complimentary things you hear others say or read in a book or magazine. Use some of them the next time you have a chance. This has several benefits. It will make you a better listener/reader. It will develop your skill at speaking your spouses love language and after a while you won’t need these aids anymore. You can make a list of the things your spouse does which you appreciate like cooking your favorite meal, a back rub, arranges for babysitters, and so on. Then make it a point to give at least one compliment from that list everyday. Do this for awhile and the written list may not be necessary anymore.

Remember, words are important. Let’s say it again, “WORDS ARE IMPORTANT.” Solomon wrote “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” As an apple a day keeps the doctor away, so a compliment a day may keep the counselor away.

Here are some things you might do if your spouse’s love language is affirming words:

1. Set a goal to give your spouse a compliment each day for a month. The response may surprise you and motivate you to do even more!

2. Compliment your spouse in the presence of his parents or friends. Your spouse will feel loved and respected.

3. Write a love letter or a love sentence. I have done this on several occasions and those notes are tucked away in a special place where our valuables are stored.

4. Find a card that expresses your feelings and underline special words and/or add words of your own.

Put these things into practice and watch what happens to the love climate in your marriage.

For these and more ideas on words of affirmation see The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Next time: What Language Does My Spouse Speak continued.

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263