Level 5 - Honest and Open Communication

If you just arrived at this posting without the benefit of reading levels 1-4 I suggest you read them first to get the maximum benefit from this article.

Here we arrive at the summit of communication. I liken it to our experience at the temple ruins in Chichen Izza, Mexico. The flight to the top of the temple was long, challenging and dangerous at times but the view from the top was exhilarating! It was worth every ounce ofeffort we exerted to get there.

At this level of communication we can be honest without being condemning or demanding. We have the freedom to think differently and be able to share those differences without fear of being corrected, criticized or condemned.

It sounds like a wonderful place to be and I assure you it is. It's not easy but neither is it impossible. It requires a basic attitude of acceptance. When I accept my wife's opinions,thoughts and feelings without trying to change her or the way she sees things I communicate that I accept her just the way she is. It makes it much easier for her to be completely open and honest with me.

This is not always easy. At times I wonder if it's worth the effort. For example, when she tells me that she feels my attitude towards one of my siblings came across as mean or condescending, or that she thinks I don't like my family I want to defend myself and challenge her thoughts and feelings. I have done this in the past and still slip into the old behavior pattern from time to time. However, every time I do that I invalidate her and destroy the bridge across which I need to cross for intimacy to flourish.

If on the other hand I ask her without defensiveness what I did or said that caused her to think and feel the way she did she is affirmed and feels safe to be honest with me and tell me what she observed. I can then explain why I said or did what I did.

Perhaps she misunderstood or she didn't have all the facts which led her to a faulty conclusion. She can then ask more clarifying questions. If she discovers that her conclusion was faulty she can apologize knowing that I will not hold it against her.

On the other hand if her assessment of the situation is correct then I can thank her for caring enough about me to expose my destructive behavior. Then I can call my sibling and apologize for behaving inappropriately.

In this process we have freely discussed the matter, we have respected each others opinions without defensiveness, we have further strengthened our love and respect for each other thereby building deeper intimacy and I have repaired a bruised relationship with my sibling. It has become a win-win-win situation.

The journey to this level is not always easy but the benefits far outweigh any effort expended to make it happen. Here is where souls meet! Where lovers become soul mates, and intimacy reigns supreme!

http://www.focusedonmarriage.com/

Level 4 - Emotional Communciation

This a riskier level but the payoff is huge. We can be hurt easier at this level but we also have the potential for a much deeper level of intimacy.

Here I begin to say how I feel about things. The risk is that my feelings may be rejected. If I say to my wife that I feel depressed she may say “How could you possibly feel that way. Look at the house we live in, the car we drive, the way I serve you everyday by cooking your meals,doing your laundry, meeting your sexual needs. How could you possibly be depressed?”

My feelings have been invalidated and I feel rejected. Chances are I will not share my feelings again. The opportunity for building intimacy through good communication is lost.

On the other hand if she were to say things like, “I'm sorry you feel that way. Can we talk about it?” validates my feelings. There may be no objective basis for my feeling depressed but that is not the issue. The issue is that's the way I feel at the moment and her response makes it easier to talk to her about it. She seized the opportunity to build intimacy.

Here are some feeling words you may have felt or feel right now..

“I feel hurt, sad, disappointed, romantic, happy, fearful, angry, bored, unloved,lonely, loving, betrayed, discouraged, affectionate, encouraged, burned - out,disillusioned, awkward, ecstatic, peaceful, babied, cheated on, confused, bad, beautiful,dejected, bitchy, drained, dumb, manipulated, pressured, lied to, guilt-tripped, smothered,violated, unsafe, optimistic, classy, cheerful."

These terms reveal our emotions and expose how we feel about things. One woman complained to us that her husband had no feelings. “He never lets me know how he feels about anything. I would give or do almost anything to see him get mad or excited about something.”

There may be good reasons for his reluctance to share his feelings. If he heard words like, “you shouldn't feel that way” or “how could you feel that way after all I do for you everyday,” or “I thought you had forgiven that a long time ago. How can you still feel that way?” he will resort back to level one or two communication. He perceives it to be safer there.

There are some complicating factors at this level. It is not uncommon for husband and wife to feel very differently about the same thing. For instance, I may have enjoyed the concert but my wife felt it was boring. If I allow her to tell me why she didn't like it without chastising her for not appreciating the evening after I spent money for the tickets, or if she asks me what I enjoyed about it we can come to a better understanding of each other and build a deeper level of intimacy.

http://www.focusedonmarriage.com/

Level 3 - Intelletual Communication

At this level we are beginning to talk about our opinions or interpretations about the facts we heard.

Things like, 'I think Jimmy's teacher is doing a great job” or, “I think our pastor connects very well with the children: or, “I think we should delay our vacation until we know mother is well on the way to recovery,” are going beyond the facts.

In response my wife might reply, “I think she is in good care. The doctors told us she is doing reasonably well and that it would it would be OK for us to go away for a few weeks. We've been so tied down for a while that I think its time for us to take care of ourselves.”

I might reply, “I think it's a good idea for us to get away but I think we need to keep our cell phone close at hand in case we need to be reached.”

To which she might reply, “I think we should leave the cell phone in our hotel room rather than take it with us. I think I will feel uptight knowing the phone could ring any moment. If we have to be reached they can leave a message on the answering machine or they can contact the front desk. They will notify us of a call when we come in. I think we would enjoy our vacation more that way.”

Then I might reply, “I think I know what you mean. I think I can live with that. I think my family will understand. If they need to reach us they can leave a message and we will get back to them as soon as possible.”

At this level we are both sharing our thoughts with each other. However, its risky at this stage. It is easy for either partner to misunderstand the other persons motives or intentions and question and challenge them.

Individuals who think they have to be in control may try to force the other person to think the way they do. For instance, I might have accused my wife of being uncaring by not wanting to take the cell phone with us when out for the day. That would have caused her to be hurt and she would resist sharing other thoughts with me. She would have retreated to the safety of level one or two communication.

On the other hand she might have accused me of thinking my mother was more important than she was. I would have felt attacked, stopped talking about the matter and decided not to tell her what I think anymore.

Our thoughts are important to us and we want others to accept them for what they are – just thoughts. If one spouse attacks the other's thoughts, inimizes them or ignores them the other feels rejected and may decide to keep all further thoughts to him/herself and revert back to level two communication.

Intellectual communication necessitates each partner giving the other the freedom to think differently. It's quite OK to disagree. It is perfectly alright for me to have one thought about taking the cell phone with me and my wife have a different view on the matter. These differences need not impede intimacy.

However, if one or the other demands agreement on thoughts and opinions intimacy will be replaced with arguing, fighting, silence and replaced with the loneliness of level one and two communication.

http://www.focusedonmarriage.com/