What Really is His Goal?

“I can’t figure out my husband. What does he really want, besides food and sex?”

She wasn’t joking. She desperately wanted to know because their marriage was in trouble. She felt cheated by his lack of attention, he felt harassed by her constant nagging.

So the question remains, what does a man really want? Dr. Larry Crabb in his book The Marriage Builder says that a man has a deep need for significance. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs writes in Love and Respect that a man’s greatest need is respect. I highly recommend you read these books to add to your growing compliment of marriage building tools.

I heartily agree with both these authors but I think at a more fundamental level every man’s goal is for “mamma to be happy cause if mamma ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy!”

So why is it so difficult for him to achieve his goal? A common reason is that Adam has a tendency to think that Eve is like a man in a woman’s body so he believes she should respond to stimuli the same way he does. If she doesn’t, he tries to convince her why she is wrong. Generally he employs the same communication techniques he would use with the guys. This comes across as unloving to Eve.

Eve on the other hand tends to have an opposite view. She tends to think that Adam is like a woman in a man’s body so she believes he should respond to stimuli the same way she does. When he doesn’t she has a tendency to lose respect for him.

Nothing in these two views could be further from the truth. When Adam was alone in the Garden of Eden God said’ “I will make a helper suitable (not like him) for him.” They are like opposite ends of an electrical cord, equally important but different from each other to make the cord function. Likewise, the marriage can work well when the two different genders function as they were intended to.

When Adam thinks Eve is like him just in a female body he will tend to communicate with her as he would another man. The result is an unhappy mamma.

For example, Adam goes out for coffee with his buddies. When he returns Eve asks what they talked about. He says, “I don’t know, stuff I guess.” Eve tends to think, “Why doesn’t he love me? Why doesn’t he talk to me?” He thinks, “Why is she always asking what I’m doing, where I’ve been, what we talked about? It was nothing anyhow. Doesn’t she trust me?”

The problem is that both expect the other to communicate like they do. If Adam wants to achieve his goal he needs to learn to share details and information which seem trivial to him. To Eve these details are a normal part of the way she would communicate with her female friends. It’s a sign of friendship to her. Therefore, if Adam wants mamma to be happy he needs to communicate with her in a way that is loving to her.

One way to do this is to plan what you will talk about before you come home. It is easy to assume that the day to day details, which are of no interest to you, will be of no interest to her. They are of great interest to her. It gives her a window into Adam’s heart and paves the way for a more intimate, loving relationship. Mamma will be happy and if mamma is happy…….!

Next time: Understanding the Male Species. Is Sex Always On His Mind?

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263

Do They Have to Be That Way?

In my last article I said that in a good marriage the partners use the right tools. In this article we’ll look at an essential one. Perhaps a good place to begin is with the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi. It’s a prayer for understanding.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace…..,
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love…

Tears flowed freely as they poured out their hearts to us. Their courtship had been an uninterrupted season of love and romance. Long walks under the nighttime stars, slow dances in their favorite restaurant, chocolates and flowers, sweet kisses in the park, a proposal including a limousine ride, a white laced table with silverware, wine and roses on the banks of the river were little more than memories for the heartbroken wife.

“Why did my husband stop doing all those nice things? The day we came back from our honeymoon he seemed to forget I existed except to cook his food, wash his clothes and have sex. Why doesn’t he love me anymore?” If we could have a dollar for every time we’ve heard this question we could enjoy a lovely winter vacation.

Perhaps you’ve heard the oft repeated line, “just wait till the honeymoon is over, all the fun things will stop.” Unfortunately this is an all too frequent complaint from many couples.

Why does this happen? Adam is not using the right tools.

First, by God’s design Adam is goal oriented. He sets his sites on a project and works to achieve it whether it’s catching the biggest fish, finishing the basement, or convincing Eve to marry him. He can employ whatever techniques he needs to achieve his goal. Therefore, he wines and dines Eve during their courtship.

She can hardly believe her good fortune. Finally someone treats her like the princess she dreamed she would be. Of course she wants to marry him. The wedding date is set, plans are put into action. She will be his princess and he will be her prince. Or so she imagines.

Six months later they are going for counseling. “Why doesn’t he love me anymore? Why did he stop doing all those nice things? He must think I’m ugly, or too fat or stupid. I think he’s embarrassed with me!”

Poor Adam. He’s bewildered by all this. He did everything he thought a romantic would do to get Eve to marry him. Now that they’re married she’s not happy. He loves her but he’s becoming more frustrated by the day because she wants so much time and attention.

So what’s the problem?

Adam’s goal was to get married. Now they’re married so why should he have to carry on with all the dating activities. After all, he reasons, why keep on playing when the game has been won.

Is there a solution to this situation? Yes, new tools.

When Adam understands that the goal is to meet Eve’s relational needs all of her life, not just during courtship, he can make sudden changes in his behavior. Because of his goal orientation he can begin new behavior patterns almost immediately. That does not mean doing all the things he did before. Activities will change to reflect new stages in life which are age, finance, or health appropriate. But the underlying focus must always remain – winning Eve’s heart on a day to day basis.

Eve can help by letting him know what she wants. Ordinarily, Adam wants to please Eve so she can help her own cause by letting him know what she needs or wants. That way he knows he is achieving his goal of having a happy wife and will try to do more of the same. With both working at it, it becomes a win-win situation.

Next time: Understanding the Male Species. What Really is His Goal?

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263

Good Tools, Good Marriage

Perhaps you’re wondering how do I make my marriage work better? Are there a few keys that will unlock the mystery for a happy marriage? The answer is “YES!”

Over the years I have officiated at hundreds of marriages. I have never yet seen a couple look at each other after the vows are spoken and say,

“Good, now I can make hell on earth for you!”

Yet many wind up doing that very thing. Not because they are bad people, but because they don’t have the right tools in their marital toolkit. For example, if you were asked to repair a toaster and the only tools you had were a crowbar and a pipe wrench you’d be in trouble. No matter how hard you tried, no matter how committed you were to making that toaster work, your lack of right tools would result in frustration, anger and possibly ruining an otherwise perfectly good appliance. What you needed was new tools, not a new toaster.

Marriage is like that.

Get the right tools and your marriage can become a work of art.

Work with the wrong ones and you can ruin it. Shortly before I left the pastorate at Christian Fellowship Church to practice marriage and premarriage counseling I took a look at the status of the many marriages at which I had officiated.

Over a 23 year period the success rate was in the high 90 percentile.

I believe a major reason for so many successes is the continual use of the tools each couple was given in pre marriage preparation.

In a post wedding follow up visit we always asked which if any of the relational tools we had given them had been helpful. The vast majority of the couples named understanding gender differences as the most helpful tool of them all.

In the weeks ahead I will share with you many of the tools needed in a successful marriage tool kit. I am convinced that if you will put them into practice you will be in a position to enrich an already good marriage, strengthen a struggling relationship and rebuild a broken one. So be sure to stay with us.

Next topic: Understanding the Male Species. Do they have to be that way?

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263

My MARRIAGE BLOG is finally under way

I've been considering starting a blog for sometime and I'm finally getting down to it. I'll be posting articles related to making marriages work well. It will include reviews of books and links to marriage related topics. Suggestions welcomed.

I think I'm somewhat qualified to speak to the issue. I've been married to the love of my life for over 35 years and counseled hundreds of couples for premarriage and marriage issues. During my tenure as pastor for over 20 years I've counseled couples from within our church, referrals from fellow clergymen and from the community at large. Few things surprise me anymore when it comes to behavior issues in marriage.

Last year my wife Anne and I decided to leave the pastorate and devote our time and energies to full time counseling and marriage seminars. We counsel together as a team. We conduct marriage seminars using skits, lecture and lots of laughter to give couples the necessary tools to build a great marriage.

The topics we explore include and learn

• the fascinating world of gender differences and how understanding them removes a major source of marital conflict;
  
• how to understand and love personality differences and build on each others strengths;
• how to set boundaries in relationships so hurtful behavior can be eliminated and the relationship be protected;
  
• how to show love and respect to each other and how to bring closure when past events are brought up again;
  
• how each spouse wants to be loved and how to meet that love need
  
• activities that can be done on a regular basis to strengthen the love relationship.

If you would like to have us conduct a conference in your church or organization please contact us for more information.

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263